American Idol Finale, Kicked in the Groin. What’s the Difference?

There are only two things that could tear me away from my Grand Theft Auto 4 right now. Grand Theft Auto 5, and the American Idol Finale. I tune in an hour late so I can watch the DVR version with no commercials. Always thinking…

7:59 Oh boy. The two finalists face to face, dressed in white. Seems they’re going to try and ride this boxing theme out. (Side Note: Jim Lampley on AI last night… you broke my heart Jim. And lost all credibility in the boxing world).

8:01 Seacrest does the extended version of his tagline. “This is the American Idol Season Finale!” Thanks for the newsflash, you tool.

8:02 Rebbecca Donaldson is in the house! And a side note: putting Lori Loughlin on the new 90210… Stroke of genius.
8:04 Seacrest says 93 Million people voted. 93 million. In related news, four people will read my blog.

8:04 The two Davids. What’s the over/under on how many times they’re going to mention that both finalists’ names are David. I say eleven. Wait, what, it’s two hours? Okay, then 22.

8:05 Flash to Ruben Studdard in the crowd. He is actually sweating from just sitting there. In his purple suit, he looks Grimmace.

Please Celebrate this Hamburger

8:06 Top 12 come out and sing “Get Ready.” If this is a taste of what the AI Tour will look and sound like, put me down for a “no.” Michael Johns belts out a solo. He was actually the one I picked to win. Oh well.

9:08 Brook White sings a solo. Is it me, or does she look like one of those Mormon moms whose compound got raided? Just me?

9:11 Will this song never end?

9:13 It suddenly occurs to me, “I have DVR.” Hmm, what’s this button do… the one that says “FF”?

9:15 David and David go and visit Mike Myers dressed as his character from Guru Pitka. And now for a three minute commercial INSIDE the show.

9:18 Myers is also here at the theatre, which means the commercial is now verging on infomercial length. Seacrest gets on the remote control pillow from the movie. It almost goes off the edge of the stage with Seacrest on it. It’s actually a funny, genuine moment. Nice work.

9:18 and 20 seconds A technician and a PA are fired. Seacrest can be heard from backstage screaming, “You’re through! Finished! You’ll never work in this town again!”

Seal9:20 Syesha and Seal sing a duet together. That can’t be good for Seal’s self esteem. Then again, his last hit was Kiss From a Rose. You think in hindsight he ever regrets mangling his face? I bet he does.

9:24 Seal’s integrity is found beaten and left for dead outside of the Nokia Theatre.

9:27 One last campy Ford commercial. All twelve finalists star in it. Nothing sells a car like failure. Except for Michael Johns… that guy could sell ice to an Eskimo.

9:28 Ford gives the Davids each Escape Hybrids. I remember when I was little I would say, “I want to be a famous rock star one day and I’ll buy a big house and drive a Ford.”

9:29 The Girls sing “Works Hard For the Money”… Amanda Overmyer looks about as thrilled to be there as I am watching it.

9:30 Wait, now they’re plugging a new zombie movie? This is shameless to have an actor in zombie makeup come – wait, no, that’s Donna Summers. Nothing says “rock and roll” like helping an old lady down the steps.She Works Hard for the Make-Up

9:34 The girls sing back up for Donna Summers. Savor it, ladies. Most of you will be waiting tables in a bar and grille three months from now. Except little Ramiele. I see a bright future for her in porn.

9:38 Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sing the Letter. This is for making me love you, Michael Johns… Fast forward.

9:40 Is there a gig Jimmy Kimmel won’t do? He comes out roasting Sanjaya. Oooh. Now that’s ballsy.

Karaoke Kid9:43 The guys (minus Archie and Cook) come out and sing “The Best Days of My Life.” Unless there’s some huge Karate-Kid-Look-Alike-Contest sometime in the very near future, David Hernandez has a bleak existence ahead of him.

9:44 And then the finalists come down. It’s like two parents coming downstairs and busting their kids misbehaving. The smiles go away, they scurry off to the side of the stage, and the rejects are quickly reminded why they were voted off.

9:45 Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Bryan Adams! American Idol delivers on the promise that they will have the biggest names in show biz. PLEASE sing the theme to Robin Hood, Prince of Theives. I beg you. Seeing him surrounded by the top 12 is just a sad commentary. They perform “I Need Somebody Like You.” Applause. Bo Bice approves… from the back of the theatre.

9:52 ZZ Top and David Cook sing Sharp Dressed Man. ZZ Top on Idol is like putting Daniel Day Lewis in a college film. ZZ Top doesn’t even get to sing? All the time they put in at seedy roadhouse bars and this is how they are rewarded. By some 25-year-old punk singing one of their songs. On a bright note, my youtube video should get some hits.

10:05 Seacrest says the next band needs no introduction but they clearly do because I have no idea who they are. They have the energy of a 90-year-old man on heroin. If they move any slower they’d be playing this song backwards.

10:08 A montage of the worst auditions from the beginning of the season. Always a way to shoe horn that footage in.

10:09 Renaldo Lapuze… one of the worst from the montage is joined by the USC marching band. And then my DVR went into that whacky fast forward mode again.

10:14 David Archuletta joins somebody named One Republic. I have no idea who this guy is and to be honest, I really don’t give a shit. I’m losing interest in this finale real quickly. The song is called “It’s Too Late to Apologize.” I wonder if the producers of the show wrote this smash.

10:17 The biggest party in Sat Lake City…. How lame. A stadium filled with David Archuletta fans. They interview both of Archie’s grandfathers. That concept looked great on paper. The one guy doesn’t even speak English.

10:19 Jordin Sparks comes out, one year older, one year heavier. She sings and I get down on my knees and pray the following prayer: Lord, thank You for DVR and all of its fast forwarding capabilities. Amen.

10:24 Gladys Knight and the Pips. It’s old vintage footage of.. oh wait, the pips are Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. Okay, I get jokes. What I don’t get is why Iron Man is there. He’s not funny, is he? Except for the time he wound up in a stranger’s bed because he was so high on drugs that he thought he was home. Heh, drug addicts are funny.

10:26 this bit is still going on. Ms. Butcher lets me know that the winner is on CNN.com. I should just go there, but I’m a glutton for the pain.

I see London, I see France, I see Kerry\'s Underwood10:32 I see London, I see France, I see Carrie’s Underwood. Carrie Underwood comes out wearing a skirt that ends just slightly above her pubes. What happened to my wholesome Carrie Underwood? This is the “record sales are dropping” skirt. If memory serves me, this is the last year she’s under the American Idol contract. Next year, Ryan Seacrest will be like, and now, a performance by… Kelly Pickler.

What time is it? Who cares? The girls sing Faith and I imagine George Michael will be out soon. If he’s the grand finale to this circus of a television show, I will never forgive AI. The boys sing Father Figure.

10:45 They all get together and sing some bullshit I’ve never heard of. Where is George Michael? Come out already.

10:49 Here comes George Michael. I knew it. He’s like 72 years old. He’s trying to sing passionately about something. George Michael is the ultimate publicist’s project. “George, this whole jerking off in the public bathroom thing… it’s gonna blow over. You hang low for a while, and five years from now, you’re gonna be closing American Idol. Not just on it. Hell, Bryan Adams can get on it. You’re gonna close it.” George Michael.

10:51 It’s time for the closing remarks before they announce the winner. Paula: Blah Blah Blah… you’re both winners, its not a finale, it’s the beginning, blah blah blah. Simon: I may have been too harsh last night, blah blah, blah. Then some guy brings the envelop out like it was in a safe and the safety of the free world depended on the secrecy of this. Like every producer, exec, and Seacrest and the judges don’t know the winner. Hell, the two Davids probably know already.

And why are they dressed the same? Like little twins. It’s almost as if Archuletta likes being dressed up like a little David Cook. Well, Davids, what ever happened, no matter who wins, I want you to know that I think you’re both tools.

10:54 By 12 million votes, David Cook wins. Ugh. He is so smug and lame and balding with a second chin.

10:55 My DVR cuts out. It stopped recording three minutes before the show ended. And I don’t even care. I feel ripped off. This was supposed to be Michael Johns’ year.

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