Awesomest Men #39-35

39. John Candy

If I had to get fat, I mean, if I HAD to get fat, I’d try to be just like John Candy. His resume has more ridiculously funny movies on it than anyone’s. Summer Rental, Splash, Uncle Buck, Planes Trains and Automobiles. Plus, name one other fat guy in history who could pull off a mustache. They all ended up looking like Dom Delouise.

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38. Charles Bronson

Take a good, long, look at that video above. Make it full screen and really watch it. There were only twocharlie bronson people in every Bronson movie. Bronson, and victim. Most guys wouldn’t dare touch a crotch… even in a fight. Charles Bronson was too busy kicking ass to be homophobic. Which is good, because the title of Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Clause sounds kind of gay. Not that I would tell him. He’d be like, “oh really? What about Deathwish? Does that sound gay too?” And I’d be like, “I warned you!” Then he’d do this to me.

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37. Howard Stern

There’s really nothing cool about Howard Stern other than the women he pulls in. The only thing is he pulls in more women than most of us do air. He shows up on Leno with lesbians. He has strippers at his rallies. Female callers dial in to jerk off over the phone to him. Howard Stern gets more pussy than a tampon so welcome to the list.

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36. Jack Nicholson

This one is iffy. I go back and forth with him because one moment you’re like, “Lakers’ floor tickets.” Very cool. But then, the Bucket List. But here’s what you have to take into consideration: every time an actor wins the Oscar, they take a second out of the proudest moment of their life to pay their respect to Jack. And he’s always sitting front and center at the coolest seat in the house. All right, I gotta stop contemplating this one before I remember the movie Wolf.

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35. General Zod

So this is the planet Houston? If Superman II were a documentary and not a fictional movie, it would have played out quite differently. The president would indeed kneel before Zod as he did in the movie. But then, all Americans would have to make a pilgrimage to the nation’s capitol and wait in line outside the White House. One by one, President Zod would see us. And after pledging allegiance to him, we would KNEEL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD. I’d be proud to, General.

BTW, I love the way the short-order cook decides to turn off the television just as the president of the US relinquishes control of the entire planet.

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2 thoughts on “Awesomest Men #39-35

  1. Jack should be in the top ten off the strength of having courtside seats to the Lake. John Candy isn’t nearly as cool as Farley when he was falling from grace. And General Zod is a striaght up Pimp, I swear he would be ruling the world today if the Son of Jor-El didn’t pull that plastic S out out of his ass.

  2. Pingback: Awesomest Men #39-35 | The Butcher

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