Awesomest Men: #34-30

34. Harry Houdini

Patrick Henry once said: “Give me magic, or give me death.” My sentiments exactly. To do a little research on Houdini, I went to the library, and by library, I mean Wikipedia. The last thing I remember was reading that some of his nicknames were the “King of Cards,” and the “Handcuff King.” The next thing I know, I’m sticking a spoon in my mouth so I don’t swallow my tongue. Magic in and of itself rules. But the man who masters magic rules harder. When times in the magic biz were slow, Houdini doubled as the “Wild Man” in the circus. There’s only one thing that could ever be awesomer than working in the circus: working in the circus as the Wild Man. Can you imagine being stopped in the street and have someone go, “Oh my God, aren’t you… the Wild Man?” I’d be like, “Why grrr, yes I am.” Then the Amazing Houdini married his stage assistant. Awesome is the man who not only bangs his wife, but also saws her in half on stage. I don’t think I need to make any further arguments, but as a thank you for reading my blog, I’ll share this last ingredient of awesome with you. Harry Houdini died of a ruptured appendix. Wanna know how the appendix ruptured? Multiple blows to the stomach.

note to my wife: God willing, if I am lucky enough to die from punches to the bread basket, I want it written on my tombstone. Promise me you’ll do that.


33. George Foreman

If you had three wishes, would you use the first, second, or third wish to have a grill named after you? It’s a rhetorical question. Of course you’d use the first.


32. Leroy Brown

I’ve never met Leroy Brown. I don’t pretend to have. But here’s what I know about him: He’s from the south side of Chicago which is not a friendly part of town. And in this unfriendly part of the windy city, Leroy is widely considered to be the baddest man in the whole damn town. If you dispute this, you’re calling Jim Croce a liar. And that I cannot forgive.


31. Sampson Parker

You’re like, “I’ve never even heard of Sampson Parker.” Correction; Sampson Parker has never heard of you. Here’s all you need to know about Sampson: He got his arm stuck in a corn picker (knowing how to operate a corn picker alone is enough to get you on this list). The corn picker started to spark, the feild around went ablaze, and old Sampson Parker freed his arm… by cutting it off with a pocket knife.

Respect the nub.


30. The Lead Singer of Survivor

You may recognize him from such hits as Eye of the Tiger and… Dude, Eye of the Tiger, are you kidding? The song has a line in it that goes:

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin’ tough, stayin’ hungry
They stack the odds ’til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

I don’t care where you are or what time of day it is. When that song comes on, if you don’t get straight up jacked for that , you don’t have a pulse. Plus, did you see what he was wearing in the vid? Beret, leather vest, white tee. For those of you with no fashion sense, it’s what the French call “the trifecta.”


One thought on “Awesomest Men: #34-30

  1. Pingback: Awesomest Men: #34-30 | The Butcher

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