Awesomest Men: #24-20

24. Tom Brady

Why does Tom Brady have so much, when others have so little? He’s arguably the greatest quarterback in the NFL. Now traditionally that title is reserved for some of the most trifling looking mugs you’d ever see: Terry Bradshaw, Dan Marino, John Elway. God made them ugly but He also made them awesome. But not Tom Brady. Oh no, cannon arm, quarterback mind, and a model’s face. Why? First he bags Bridget Moynahan. Then, when she turns up pregnant, he turns up gone. Next stop, the supermodel orchard where he picks Gisele Bundchen off of his supermodel tree. Plus, extra props for being the model for Stetson Cologne. If you like the fragrance, pick up a bottle at your local TJ Maxx. He’s good enough for Stetson, but not Calvin Klein. You’re good looking, but you ain’t that good looking.

Okay, you totally are. I hate you, Tom Brady.

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23. Earl the Butcher

Duh. Name another man on earth bold enough to, not only compile a list of the 44 most awesomest men ever, but to do so in such a bulletproof fashion as to make it indisputable. They said it couldn’t be done. And yet, here we are. Name another man who consistently posts awesome blogs while maintaining an audience that sometimes reaches as many as six readers. Again, they said it couldn’t be done. And again, here we are. Church.

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22. Ron Jeremy

If you’ve ever been jerking it to a porno and lost your wood to the point of no return, you know exactly who Ron Jeremy is. Fat, disgusting, hairy, and awesome, his junk is the size of… well, let’s just say he puts his pants on three legs at a time. If it weren’t for porn Ron Jeremy would be the guy that little kids ask inappropriate questions about in public. But with a filmography that boasts titles like Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy, and Fugly (you didn’t know he was the voice of Mr. Penis in that?), you can guess why every used-up porn star says the same two things: “RJ the Hedgehog is the king of porn,” and, “Gonorrhea itches really bad.”

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21. Davey Crockett

Here’s the recipe for awesome soup:

(1) nickname of “King of the Wild Frontier”

(1) personal accomplishment of killing you a b’ar, when you were only three.

(1) rifle

(1) death at the Battle of the Alamo.

(note: if you like your soup a little less awesome, omit previous ingredient)

Optional: (1) Coon Skin Hat

Mix ingredients.

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20. Hugh Hefner

Things are going well when wildlife officials names a subspecies of cottontail rabbits after you. Things are going way-awesome when your business card reads: CCO, Playboy Enterprises and Editor and Chief, Playboy Magazine. The stories of the 217 year-old playboy are epic, and often include him in a bed with six playmates while another dozen or so stand around and watch. And as if an old man getting laid isn’t awesome enough, his get-togethers at the Playboy Mansion are also the sole exception to my life mantra: Pajama Parties are for Losers.

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One thought on “Awesomest Men: #24-20

  1. Tom Brady may be pretty, but he’ll never be Brett Favre. Favre broke every football record, supported his wife through her cancer scare while dating Cameron Diaz and everyone still loves him. Even those to hate the Packers, love Brett Favre. Enough said.

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