Awesomest Men: # 9-5

9. Tom Selleck

Every time a man grows a mustache, Tom Selleck gets a royalty check.

Period.

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8. Arnold Schwarzenegger

I don’t even know where to begin. Mr. Universe, 1968? Seven-time Mr. Olympia? Pumping Iron? The fact that Musclemag won’t use his name, but rather refers to him simply as “the King?” Or is it that he pumps out awesome movie after awesome movie after awesome movie? Conan, Red Heat, Commando, Predator, Running Man, Total Recall, Kindergarten Cop, True Lies… the list is endless.

I get his whole political thing, but California isn’t the right place for Ah-nold. What the King needs to do is launch a major offensive against Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York and the parts of Canada that surround the great lakes. Once he conquers them (and yes, he will conquer them) he should rename the region “Awesome Land” and declare himself supreme ruler. Then rename all of the great lakes “Lake Awesome,” and start a kingdom where physical fitness is the law of the land, and being flabby is punishable by death. Pirates who have sworn allegiance to Schwarzenegger will force the chunky to walk planks and plummet to icy deaths at the bottom of Lake Awesome. Long Live King Arnold.

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7. Weng Weng

If you’re not big into getting punched in the nuts, your best bet is to just mind your p’s and q’s when Weng Weng’s around. But here’s the rub: you never know when that is.

Agent 00 is perhaps the world’s most deadly secret agent. There’s good news and bad news associated with this. The bad news is he works for the Filipinos. The good news is he doesn’t seem to have any beef with the US, thus guaranteeing our safety for at least another day.

At just 2’9″ he has a ninja-esque mastery of weapons like the blow dart, nunchaku, and a wide array of firearms. But he’s twice as deadly with an arsenal of hi-tech gadgets years ahead of anything we’ve ever seen. Weng Weng has toppled impenetrable drug cartels with rocket packs and a razor blade fedora. It’s terrifying to know that such a force is out there.

But we should take comfort in knowing that the world’s most awesomest secret agent wants to protect us, not destroy us.

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6. Sylvester Stallone

I get butt-cised for actors that do their own stunts. So, like, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Air Bud… I’m just blown away. So when I found out that that wasn’t CGI, and that it was indeed Stallone doing that ridiculous workout scene, two things happened: 1) Stallone propelled himself right into the top ten. 2) I got all scared and called 911. Here was the convo:

OPERATOR: 911, what’s your emergency?

ME: <<breathing heavily>> I can’t feel my left arm… uncomfortable… pressure in… chest…

OPERATOR: Sir, I can hear the theme from Rocky in the background.

ME: Yes… watching training montage…youtube.

OPERATOR: Sir , listen to me. I need to know which Rocky.

ME: Twooooo… Oh God, please…

OPERATOR: Okay, sir, you’re having an awesome attack. You have to turn the video off.

<<I press pause>>

OPERATOR: Are you feeling better?

ME: Ugh.. yeah, I think so.

OPERATOR: Sir, you can’t watch that montage all the way through. The human body just isn’t wired that way.

I prayed that day that if God let me live, I would devote my life to educating the masses about the dangers of awesomeness in montages. I share my story because if I save just one person from the fate I nearly suffered, I, in turn, save the world.

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5. Malibu

In many ways, Malibu taught me how to be a man. I was young and naive. My only real experiences in watching competitive games were limited to lame contests such as Double Dare and the NFL. And in 1989 a powerful figure with a mane of gold hair and bicepts like boulders atop the world’s highest mountain came into my living room and destroyed weakling-contestants who dared oppose him. To listen to the gladiator speak was to learn about the balances of life and nature, the key that unlocked all of life’s most treasured secrets. His real name is Deron McBee, and I invite you to speak his name out loud. For he was not only the pinnacle of what an American Gladiator could become, but he was also a professional racket ball player as well.

No seriously, he toured the professional racket ball circuit.

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