4. Jesus Christ
Let’s say you were at a wedding (open bar), and they ran out of booze. And everyone was like, “We have to go on a wine run. Not it!” And then a guy stepped up and was like, “Do we? Or am I so awesome that I’ll take this water and…BOOYA.” And the guy made wine. And not like Thunderbird, but really good wine. Wouldn’t you be like, “Teacher, you rule.”
Other things you’ll never experience in your unawesome life:
-Rolling deeper than ants at a picnic with a posse of twelve
– Quoting scripture in the Old Testament and then being like: “That’s me they’re talking about.”
– A woman rubbing your feet with expensive oils then drying them off… with her hair
– Having millions wear a bracelet that says W W (your initial) D?
3. Chuck Zito
When your bodyguard needs a bodyguard, call Chuck Zito. Zito’s so bad, he’s repped two official selections on the Awesomest Men List (Charles Bronson and Sly Stallone). On top of being one of the baddest bodyguards around, he also was the president for a little motorcycle club. Maybe you’ve heard of them? The New York Chapter of the Hells Angels? Ring a bell? Bam! You want more? He wrote a book called “Street Justice.” You still need more? Even after I told you that his book is called “Street Justice?” Okay, here: Chuck Zito knocked out Jean-Claude Van Damme…in a strip club. So huge. The bottom line, the thing that separates Zito from a guy like say, Scott Baio: Chuck Zito only guarded Liza Minelli; Baio crushed her. So gross.
2. Ultimate Warrior
I always bought into the name. Ultimate Warrior. It sounded like a horrible straight-to-DVD title. Couldn’t you see him in the jungles of Cambodia, plowing through the brush like a wild boar with cyan tights and lame face paint? Bullets whiz in front of him, explosions from an air strike behind him. The big movie trailer voice is like, “This summer, Jim Hellwig is…the Ultimate Warrior” (btw, yes his name was Jim Hellwig. But he legally changed his name to… wait for it…. Warrior. That’s his legal name now. Warrior. Off the charts awesome).
UW is all that is awesome with steroids. His ridiculous theme song would come on and rednecks throughout the stadium (me and my dad) just lost it. Then, still tied off, veins bulging, UW came charging into the stadium like the coked-out Tony Montana in the final scene of Scarface. He practically still had the needle in his arm. And you know there was no talking to him at that point. The weeks of rehearsal and choreographing just went out the window in a roid-raged freak out. And when Vince McMahon finally couldn’t take any more and kicked him to the curb, UW got the last laugh: He opened up “Warrior University,” a wrestling school in Scottsdale University.
If you are a Warrior U alum, and you are looking for work, please email your resume to firstname.lastname@example.org. It’s basically the only credential you need to be CEO of Awesome.
1. Mr. T
I don’t need to mention that Mr. T was the personal bodyguard to Bruce Lee. It really only makes sense. And I could sit here and rattle off the insanely awesome roles T has taken as he left his stamp on American culture forever. Clubber Lang, BA Baracus, Samson in DC Cab. But it’s so much more than that. It’s the ridiculously delicious T breakfast cereal. The wicked awesome cameos in the Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoons. The public service video Be Somebody…or be Somebody’s Fool, where T teaches the chil’ens everything from fashion to life’s essential lessons like respecting your mamma.
He invented bling, patented the Mohawk, rolled up in a tank in the absolutely perfect Snickers commercial (get some nuts), and released an album called Mr. T’s Commandments. In short, he is the epitome of awesome.
The fact that a man so tough, so capable of destroying the human race, could be so compassionate as to take pity on fools is a concept I still cannot get my head around. I don’t try anymore. Instead, I just accept the fact that there is one perfect man on this earth, and that my attempts to model my life after the most awesomest man ever to live will always be in vain.