H-JOE

DickIn August of 2006, Haley Joel Osment wrapped his 1995 Saturn around a brick pillar while DUI.

And for the better part of three years, I have spent countless nights repeating the same two questions over and over until my brain hurt:

1) How can I be driving a nicer car than Haley Joel?

2) What is it about that prick that rubs me the wrong way?

FF to June of 2009.  I GOT IT!

Haley Joel Osment is a real-life jinx.

I’m not talking about before Sixth Sense. Any cute kid can be in the movies for a second. The jinx began right after. And a jinx doesn’t just ruin himself, he infects the people around him with the failure virus as well.

So I went to IMDB and checked out the resume.

– Forrest Gump, 1994 (just one year before his Saturn was made).

– Some TV credits. Notable appearances: Walker Texas Ranger and the Jeff Foxwrothy Show.

– Sixth Sense, 1999. Biggest movie of the summer. Gets a bunch of Oscar nods. And yet, Bruce Willis goes on to The Story of Us, Rugrats the Movie, and a move called What Just Happened? I was gonna ask you the same thing, Bruce.  M. Night Shamalama goes on to make a string of craptastic films, each worse than his last.

The Haley Joel Osment Effect is born.

______________________________________________________________

I See at Least One Dead Person

– Pay It Forward, 2000. Kevin Spacey wins an Oscar from American Beauty, and Helen Hunt, one with As Good as it Gets. But this one tanks. Spacey embarks on a journey that includes Superman(how do you fuck that one up?), and one where he plays Bobby Darin. Helen Hunt continues to take Hollywood by storm with Castaway (who was she in that?), and What Women Want. You remember the movie where Mel Gibson can hear women’s thoughts, but you never saw it. And yet, somehow HJ walks away unscathed.

The Haley Joel Osment Effects takes on the acronym “H-JOE” and is referred to by government officials as “a concern.”

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– AI, 2001. After taking down two of Tinseltown’s greatest stars, Osment sets his sights on the biggest man in show-biz, Steven Spielberg. He comes in with Saving Private Ryan, and leaves with Catch Me if You Can, the Terminal, andWar of the Worlds. Crap, Crap, and Crap.

H-JOE is declared an epidemic.

______________________________________________________________

– Jungle Book 2, 2003. I can’t blame Haley Joel for this fiasco.

– And later in 2003, Secondhand Lions. Robert Duval’s notable titles after working with Osment: Godfather, the video game. Nice. And Michael Caine, didn’t he die right after that movie?

Moments After this Picture was Taken, Barton's Agents were Informed She was Being Written Off of the OC.  H-JOE!
Moments After this Picture was Taken, Barton’s Agents were Informed She had Been Written Off of the OC. H-JOE!

And there the well ran dry for HJ. He finally became a victim of the same H-JOE that claimed the professional lives of so many of his colleagues. You haven’t heard from him lately because he’s chosen not to act so he could focus on his studies.  Right, and I’ve chosen not to get laid because I’ve been focusing on my masturbating.

I know a lot of child stars fade quietly into obscurity. But only Haley Joel Osment has the honor of saying the last time he saw his name in print, it started the sentence: “…lost control of his 1995 Saturn on his way home and collided with a brick pillar in a suburb”

But that’s the H-JOE for you.

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One thought on “H-JOE

  1. you write about great things sir, keep it up.

    the above clip is genius. if i had the virus, that’s how i’d want to be told.

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