True.

Before there was TMZ, there was Earl the Butcher, sifting through all of the celebrity gossip and urban wives thingies.  Here are ten of the top celebrity rumors I heard back in the day:

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Mike Deez Nutz

Mike D Died

I was in fifth grade when this one broke.  For those of you too young to remember the Beastie Boys back then, let me make this comparison: Hip Hop losing Mike D would be like if the ’99 Lakers lost Travis Knight.  It hit the community hard.  Of course, they revived him just before Paul’s Botique, thus, “I’m Mike D and I’m back from the dead.”

Rumor: TRUE

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ScreechMike D and Screech are Brothers

I was a little older when this one broke.  Mike D had died a few years back.  Then somebody finally made the connection:

Michael Diamond and Dustin Diamond are related. And it checks out.  Turns out they were the offspring of a couple named Neil and Blood.

Rumor: TRUE

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Another Rumor: Madonna Adopts Third World Baby and its Diet

Madonna Peed on her Athletes’ Foot

I didn’t want to believe this one when it surfaced; unfortunately it’s absolutely true.

In related news, I told my wife I had Athletes’ Chest.  Turns out she still doesn’t believe the rumor.

Rumor: TRUE

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Eddie MurphyEddie Murphy Picked Up a Man, Baby

Eddie Murphy, who dropped the word “faggot” a combined 54 times in Delirious and Raw, and did a whole set on how much pussy he gets, picked up a tranny prostitute?  No way.  Oh, yes way.  It happened.  Eddie pulled up the skirt and a different kind of “big brown shark came.”

Rumor: TRUE

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Richard Gere Stuck a Gerbil Up His Bunghole

Gere

Oh, totally true.  A friend of mine’s aunt is a nurse at the emergency room in Missouri where Cindy Crawford rushed him after it happened.  The gerbil was shaved bare, declawed, and nicknamed “an Officer.”

Rumor: TRUE

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Walt DisneyWalt Disney was Cryogenicaly Frozen

This one seems almost too mundane to even be a rumor.  He is indeed frozen in a chamber buried underneath Magic Kingdom.  The part that is in question is whether execs really woke him up for a screening of the rough cut of Tron.  I doubt it.

Rumor: TRUE

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Mikey Likes ItrMikey Likes It Blew His Stomach Out

Pop Rocks + Pepsi + an Almost-Was-But-Never-Will-Be talent = Exploded stomach ≠ False.

Rumor: TRUE

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MJEvery Michael Jackson Story You’ve Ever Heard

He sleeps in an hyperbaric chamber, speaks in a normal voice when no one is around, bought the Elephant Man’s skull, suffers from vitiligo and called it Splitsville once and for all with Macaulay Culkin  All true.  Every last one of them.

Rumor: TRUE

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Jamie Lee

Jamie Lee Curtis is a Hermaphrodite

JLC ’s got more junk in the front than she does in the trunk.  Freak.

Rumor: TRUE

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You Can't Reach What Isn't There

Marilyn Manson Removed a Rib So He Could Suck His Joint

Fo Shizzle: Marilyn did it.  The man underwent a 30k surgery so he could service his own iPud.  Who knew it was just a simple rib standing between me, third base and me?  Brutal.

Rumor: TRUE

2 Cops Walk Into a Bar

rush-hourThe buddy cop genre. Perhaps the slipperiest slope in cinema. When casted correctly, no genre can touch it. But when miscast, you could be in for a long two hours.

There’s certain elements that are tried-and-true to the genre. Most times you’re gonna get an interracial coupling of cops. Usually black and white, but occasionally black and Jackie Chan. And they’re usually going after a drug dealer, cartel, syndicate, what have you.

As far as quality, you run the gamut. So, I’m gonna rank a few of them.

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lethalweaponLethal Weapon: Pretty much the gold standard for the genre. Mel Gibson is always at his best when he’s not taking himself too seriously. Danny Glover is pretty much one of the worst actors ever. But he gets to play the tentative voice of reason who is always skeptical, the one who has to take a deep breath and say something like, “Oh what the hell,” or, “I’m getting too old for this,” before jumping off of the bridge. Fact of the matter is, the script rocked and there’s the perfect combination of violence and comedy. ✪✪✪✪✪ (Five badges).

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48 Hours: Remember when Eddie Murphy made a good movie? That was awesome. And Jack Cates is Nick Nolte’s second best role ever. His first, Coach Bell in Blue Chips. ✪✪✪✪✪

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Hank's Understudy

Hank's Understudy

Turner and Hooch: This is where you begin to see how vital it is to have two strong actors in these kinds of movies. Hooch does his own stunts in the movie, which is amazing. But Tom Hanks as a cop? Puh-lease… Now, here’s what they should’ve done: replaced Tom Hanks with a dog. Two Dogs! Two dog cops hunting down the killer, and one of the dogs is real close to retirement and gets shot. Okay, I’m getting sidetracked. Not a bad movie; I’m giving it ✪✪✪✪

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Training Day: Denzel could carry a movie playing opposite the Money You Could Be Saving With Geico. Unfortunately Ethan Hawke isn’t even that good. All those scenes where Denzel is like, “Wait in the car,” my guess is that was him ad libbing. Ethan Hawke is horrible. You know it’s bad when you root for the good guy to die. But Denzel’s watershed performance makes it worth the while. ✪✪✪

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newjackNew Jack City: Some guys you buy as cops. Eastwood, definitely. Leslie Neilsen, sure, why not? Ice T and Judd Nelson… Ice T hates cops too much to be able to objectively play one. And Judd Nelson being good in anything is as rare as a cab with a license plate that says “Fresh.”  Anyway, thank goodness Mario Van P kept this flick on track. It could have gone very differently. ✪✪

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lenocollisioncourseCollision Course: A Detroit Cop (Jay Leno) teams up with Mr. Miyagi (Mr. Miyagi) to track down a stolen turbocharger. This movie has disaster written all over it. The logline: The only thing stopping them from solving the crime is…each other. What would you rather see: this movie, or blood in your stool? I’d love to give this one zero badges but Mr. Miyagi’s in it so… ✪

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Righteous Kill: Deniro and Pacino together again, just like the movie Heat.

Only ten years lamer. Zero invisible stars.

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I know there’s so many more… Kindergarten Cop, Red Heat, Se7en, etc. And I would love to do them all but I just saw that Cop and a Half is on TBS. Oh TBS, very funny.

90210: Brenda’s Back… Now, Let’s Find the Rest of the Gang

SO. Rumor has it that Shannen Doherty is “in talks” to reprise her role as Brenda Walsh. Not quite sure about the “in talks” part. I mean, last I checked, she isn’t in any of this summer’s blockbusters. They say she is reading the script to see exactly what role she would be playing. If that’s all it takes, I have some ideas on how to bring the whole gang back together.

Brandon

After a short stint as a copy editor with the Washington Bureau of the New York Chronicle, he returned to his true love of politics. Running as a representative of Minnesota, it looked as if he’d win until… Chancellor Arnold leaked rumors of Brandon’s checkered past that includes a gambling addiction and a drunk driving accident. Brandon returns to the zip code to wait tables at the Peach Pit while he “gets his head straight.”

What to Look For: Lots of late night convos with Nat over coffee after the diner closes.

Brenda

Her run at British theater was an epic failure. Returning to the states, she did the New York thing, landing two minor roles: One in a Crest Whitening Strips commercial, the other as “White Girl on Scooter” in the straight to DVD release of House Party 4. Things seemed to be taking a turn for the better when she booked the role of “Mirtha” in the feature film Blow. But when the script called for her to be nude, Brenda got all Brenda and huffed out. Now it’s back to 90210 to run the drama department.

What to Look For: Brenda adapting Gil Myers’ unpublished novel, Blood Money, into West Beverly’s spring production.

Kelly

The retirement of Ms. Teasley left a gaping hole in the guidance department at West Beverly. Having overcome a shooting, a rape, a coke addiction, multiple burns in a fire at a rave in frat house, a lesbian experience, and amnesia, Kelly felt as though she would make the perfect replacement. In the pilot ep, trouble again arises when her little sister, Erin (now a high school junior), asks her to buy beer for a party she is throwing in Jackie’s house.

What To Look For: Kelly dropping the “don’t you know who I am?” bomb when bouncers at the Peach Pit After Hours reject her at the door in an effort to keep the joint young and hip.

Dylan

Having blown through the Jack McKay fortune on various heroin and booze binges, Dylan spent the last two years in a tent on a beach in Baja firing a pistol at empty beer cans and listening to REM’s Everybody Hurts on a continuous loop. In one last attempt to get sober, he heads back to 90210 where he too takes a job waiting tables at the Peach Pit.

What to Look For: Lots of seemingly innocent, but nonetheless awkward high-fives between him and Brandon while working the dinner rush.

Donna

After her father’s death, Tori Spelling lost all connection to the TV biz. She not only is rejected for a reprise role as Donna Martin, but she also receives an email from Darren Star saying that if it weren’t for her father, the role of Donna would have gone to Alicia Silverstone.

What to Look For: Tori Spelling in porn.

David

After a failed run in the music business, he opened Silver Party Platter, a deejaying gig for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. But after complaints of the deejay “dancing too much” at the parties he was working, the business began to suffer. Now it’s time to put his go-for-broke plan into action: Find T-Boz from TLC and hand deliver his demo tape to her, which he says has a “crazy, sexy, cool, Waterfalls vibe” to it.

What to Look For: Silver mentoring the new West Beverly Radio on-air-talent.

Steve

His landmark video franchise Crazy College Co-Eds raked in millions. But when his father, Rush Sanders, passed away, Steve became overwrought with guilt. Knowing that his father would never approve of his financial endeavors, Steve is now about to pull a Warren Buffet, and donate all of his money to a good cause.

What to Look For: A handsome donation to the West Beverly Athletic Department… under one condition: They name the new football field “Steve Sanders Field House.”

Andrea

Andrea died after a long bout with Alzheimer’s. She was 104 years of age. She is survived by her daughter, Hannah, and her ex-husband, ambulance chaser Jesse Vasquez.

What to Look For: A best-of episode where the gang sits under the Hollywood sign sharing their fondest memories of her.

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And that’s it. You take my backstories, throw Lori Loughlin and Lucille from Arrested Development into the mix, and I don’t see how you can lose. The only problem might be finding storylines for the students of the “next generation.”

Awesomest Men: # 4-1

4. Jesus Christ

Let’s say you were at a wedding (open bar), and they ran out of booze. And everyone was like, “We have to go on a wine run. Not it!” And then a guy stepped up and was like, “Do we? Or am I so awesome that I’ll take this water and…BOOYA.” And the guy made wine. And not like Thunderbird, but really good wine. Wouldn’t you be like, “Teacher, you rule.”

Other things you’ll never experience in your unawesome life:

-Rolling deeper than ants at a picnic with a posse of twelve

– Quoting scripture in the Old Testament and then being like: “That’s me they’re talking about.”

– A woman rubbing your feet with expensive oils then drying them off… with her hair

– Having millions wear a bracelet that says W W (your initial) D?

 

 

3. Chuck Zito

When your bodyguard needs a bodyguard, call Chuck Zito. Zito’s so bad, he’s repped two official selections on the Awesomest Men List (Charles Bronson and Sly Stallone). On top of being one of the baddest bodyguards around, he also was the president for a little motorcycle club. Maybe you’ve heard of them? The New York Chapter of the Hells Angels? Ring a bell? Bam! You want more? He wrote a book called “Street Justice.” You still need more? Even after I told you that his book is called “Street Justice?” Okay, here: Chuck Zito knocked out Jean-Claude Van Damme…in a strip club. So huge. The bottom line, the thing that separates Zito from a guy like say, Scott Baio: Chuck Zito only guarded Liza Minelli; Baio crushed her. So gross.

2. Ultimate Warrior

I always bought into the name. Ultimate Warrior. It sounded like a horrible straight-to-DVD title. Couldn’t you see him in the jungles of Cambodia, plowing through the brush like a wild boar with cyan tights and lame face paint? Bullets whiz in front of him, explosions from an air strike behind him. The big movie trailer voice is like, “This summer, Jim Hellwig is…the Ultimate Warrior” (btw, yes his name was Jim Hellwig. But he legally changed his name to… wait for it…. Warrior. That’s his legal name now. Warrior. Off the charts awesome).

UW is all that is awesome with steroids. His ridiculous theme song would come on and rednecks throughout the stadium (me and my dad) just lost it. Then, still tied off, veins bulging, UW came charging into the stadium like the coked-out Tony Montana in the final scene of Scarface. He practically still had the needle in his arm. And you know there was no talking to him at that point. The weeks of rehearsal and choreographing just went out the window in a roid-raged freak out. And when Vince McMahon finally couldn’t take any more and kicked him to the curb, UW got the last laugh: He opened up “Warrior University,” a wrestling school in Scottsdale University.

If you are a Warrior U alum, and you are looking for work, please email your resume to earl@earlthebutcher.com. It’s basically the only credential you need to be CEO of Awesome.

1. Mr. T

 

I don’t need to mention that Mr. T was the personal bodyguard to Bruce Lee. It really only makes sense. And I could sit here and rattle off the insanely awesome roles T has taken as he left his stamp on American culture forever. Clubber Lang, BA Baracus, Samson in DC Cab. But it’s so much more than that. It’s the ridiculously delicious T breakfast cereal. The wicked awesome cameos in the Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoons. The public service video Be Somebody…or be Somebody’s Fool, where T teaches the chil’ens everything from fashion to life’s essential lessons like respecting your mamma.

He invented bling, patented the Mohawk, rolled up in a tank in the absolutely perfect Snickers commercial (get some nuts), and released an album called Mr. T’s Commandments. In short, he is the epitome of awesome.

The fact that a man so tough, so capable of destroying the human race, could be so compassionate as to take pity on fools is a concept I still cannot get my head around. I don’t try anymore. Instead, I just accept the fact that there is one perfect man on this earth, and that my attempts to model my life after the most awesomest man ever to live will always be in vain.

Awesomest Men: # 9-5

9. Tom Selleck

Every time a man grows a mustache, Tom Selleck gets a royalty check.

Period.

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8. Arnold Schwarzenegger

I don’t even know where to begin. Mr. Universe, 1968? Seven-time Mr. Olympia? Pumping Iron? The fact that Musclemag won’t use his name, but rather refers to him simply as “the King?” Or is it that he pumps out awesome movie after awesome movie after awesome movie? Conan, Red Heat, Commando, Predator, Running Man, Total Recall, Kindergarten Cop, True Lies… the list is endless.

I get his whole political thing, but California isn’t the right place for Ah-nold. What the King needs to do is launch a major offensive against Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York and the parts of Canada that surround the great lakes. Once he conquers them (and yes, he will conquer them) he should rename the region “Awesome Land” and declare himself supreme ruler. Then rename all of the great lakes “Lake Awesome,” and start a kingdom where physical fitness is the law of the land, and being flabby is punishable by death. Pirates who have sworn allegiance to Schwarzenegger will force the chunky to walk planks and plummet to icy deaths at the bottom of Lake Awesome. Long Live King Arnold.

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7. Weng Weng

If you’re not big into getting punched in the nuts, your best bet is to just mind your p’s and q’s when Weng Weng’s around. But here’s the rub: you never know when that is.

Agent 00 is perhaps the world’s most deadly secret agent. There’s good news and bad news associated with this. The bad news is he works for the Filipinos. The good news is he doesn’t seem to have any beef with the US, thus guaranteeing our safety for at least another day.

At just 2’9″ he has a ninja-esque mastery of weapons like the blow dart, nunchaku, and a wide array of firearms. But he’s twice as deadly with an arsenal of hi-tech gadgets years ahead of anything we’ve ever seen. Weng Weng has toppled impenetrable drug cartels with rocket packs and a razor blade fedora. It’s terrifying to know that such a force is out there.

But we should take comfort in knowing that the world’s most awesomest secret agent wants to protect us, not destroy us.

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6. Sylvester Stallone

I get butt-cised for actors that do their own stunts. So, like, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Air Bud… I’m just blown away. So when I found out that that wasn’t CGI, and that it was indeed Stallone doing that ridiculous workout scene, two things happened: 1) Stallone propelled himself right into the top ten. 2) I got all scared and called 911. Here was the convo:

OPERATOR: 911, what’s your emergency?

ME: <<breathing heavily>> I can’t feel my left arm… uncomfortable… pressure in… chest…

OPERATOR: Sir, I can hear the theme from Rocky in the background.

ME: Yes… watching training montage…youtube.

OPERATOR: Sir , listen to me. I need to know which Rocky.

ME: Twooooo… Oh God, please…

OPERATOR: Okay, sir, you’re having an awesome attack. You have to turn the video off.

<<I press pause>>

OPERATOR: Are you feeling better?

ME: Ugh.. yeah, I think so.

OPERATOR: Sir, you can’t watch that montage all the way through. The human body just isn’t wired that way.

I prayed that day that if God let me live, I would devote my life to educating the masses about the dangers of awesomeness in montages. I share my story because if I save just one person from the fate I nearly suffered, I, in turn, save the world.

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5. Malibu

In many ways, Malibu taught me how to be a man. I was young and naive. My only real experiences in watching competitive games were limited to lame contests such as Double Dare and the NFL. And in 1989 a powerful figure with a mane of gold hair and bicepts like boulders atop the world’s highest mountain came into my living room and destroyed weakling-contestants who dared oppose him. To listen to the gladiator speak was to learn about the balances of life and nature, the key that unlocked all of life’s most treasured secrets. His real name is Deron McBee, and I invite you to speak his name out loud. For he was not only the pinnacle of what an American Gladiator could become, but he was also a professional racket ball player as well.

No seriously, he toured the professional racket ball circuit.

Awesomest Men: #14-10

14. Mike Tyson

Okay, let’s play 20,000 Dollar Pyramid.

Me: Um, tattooing your face…um…

You: Things that would hurt…things that make you unemployable ?

Me: Noooo..Knocking out a 61-year-old man in a car accident that was your fault…um…

You: Things that…things a superhero would do?

Me: Close. Praising Allah on national television – right after you threatened to eat your opponent’s children…Having one of the baddest knock-out reels the world has ever seen…

You: Things that are awesome?

Me: YEESSSS!!!

By the way, at 1:56 in the vid, that’s a guy who had no business fighting Mike Tyson. 20/20 hindsight…

13. Elvis Presley

Died on the toilet.

Checkmate.

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12. Hulk Hogan

When I was ten years old, I wrote a letter to Hulk Hogan asking if he would be my dad. Nothing personal to my biological father; but I know my dad… if push came to shove, he couldn’t step into the steel cage with the likes of a King Kong Bundy. 24-inch pythons, yellow skippies with matching knee-high boots (the Hulkster, not my dad), and when he cupped his ear asking the 93k screaming fans of the Pontiac Silverdome if he should drop Andre the Giant, I lost my mind.

When he’d ask, whatchya gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you… was there really any answer to that other than “lose?”

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11. Scott Baio

In the time it takes me to write this entry, Scott Baio will have banged four supermodels. Guys who don’t get laid a lot will say it’s quality not quantity. Guys who bang a bunch of pigs will say its quantity, not quality. And then Scott Baio says , “I banged your mom.” He could count the number of women he’s bagged on two hands, if he had a thousand fingers on each. His resume includes Heather Locklear, Nicole Sheridan, Nicole Eggert, Denise Richards, Liza Minelli (still better than your worst), Melissa Gilbert, and Beverly D’Angelo. Baio once got a call from the Playboy Mansion telling him that he needed to slow down (translation: “you accidentally nailed one of Heff’s girls…again”).

In all, he destroyed some 24 playmates.

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10. 50 Cent

I’ve been on Fiddy’s jock ever since Coca-Cola bought his portion of Vitamin Water for 100 million dollars. He’s a rapper with his own video game, a new movie opposite both De Niro and Pacino, a book called “The Ski Mask Way” (which I have yet to read but assume is not about the slopes of Aspen), and a sneaker deal from Reebok to sell his trifling G-Unit shoes. He’s what we call a renaissance thug. But what makes 50 Cent the real deal is the fact that he was shot nine times in the backseat of car, dusted himself off, and came out with “In Da Club,” the most listened-to song in radio history.

Awesomest Men: #19-15

19. Bruce Lee

I already told you how cised I get for guys that open their own dojos. Bruce Lee founded his own martial arts philosophy. And I quote the good book:

“Remember that Jeet Kune Do is merely a name used, a mirror in which to see “ourselves”. . . Jeet Kune Do is not an organized institution that one can be a member of. Either you understand or you don’t, and that is that.”

That’s deeper than the Force. If I could be a member of the Jeet Kune Do, I would. But one can’t. Besides being completely shredded and the sickest kung-fu artist ever, Lee could spring a 235 pound man several feet with a 1 inch punch (seriously), perform one-hand push-ups using only the thumb and index finger, and throw a grain of rice in the air and catch it with a pair of chopsticks. Then again, Daniel-Sahn kinda one-upped him by catching a fly with the chopsticks, so take the grain of rice with a grain of salt.

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18. Greg Valentino

If I could have any nickname in the world, here are my top three:

3) The Shlonginator

2) Richie Rich

1) The Man With the Biggest Arms in the World.

Unfortunately, my favorite nickname already belongs to Greg Valentino and his awesome guns. Greg Valentino knows the potential of the human body. That with the right amount of discipline, we can all achieve a Roman sculpture-like physique. Funny though that he’s straight up disrespected in the bodybuilding world. If I were trying to get huge, I’d hate on Greg Valentino too. Look who accomplished my goals before me. Greg Valentino.

Their chief complaint is that he juiced. Look, I don’t know anything about that. I mean, he looks okay to me. But if juicing gets you arms like that, so perfectly chiseled and well-defined… shit, stick me in the biceps right now. Cause if being awesome is wrong, me and Greg don’t want to be right.

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17. Kimbo Slice

I Googled “Kimbo Slice Loses” and it came back asking “Did you mean “Kimbo Slice is Ridiculously Awesome?” And I was like, “yes, that’s exactly what I meant.” Kimbo’s business is leaving guys with bloody eye sockets like Joe Victim in the vid. Back before his debut in MMA, Kimbo walked through the gate of a backyard. A dozen or so of the shadiest guys you had ever seen all had cash neatly arranged on the patio. Joe Victim stepped, and then got beat down. Lastly, Kimbo collected his duckets. And that, my friends, is how Kimbo rolls.

Check out :26 in the video where Kimbo gives Bloody Eye Socket Man three free punches.

Then check out the very last frame of the video where Bloody Eye Socket Man becomes Bloody Eye Socket Man.

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16. Steve Irwin

Awwwww Crikey! Steve Irwin was a naturalist, an animal lover and an environmentalist. Steve Irwin was also a bona fide lunatic. The way he called animals “gorgeous” was downright creepy. Be that as it may, when Steve Irwin slipped into those little khaki shorts, no man or beast could handle the Croc Hunter. Just ask that busta, Argo. And a man that can take a croc down, then stand above it and say, “you just got served, mate,” is monster himself.

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15. Tiny Lister

He’s not really tiny, silly. What he is though, is a man who suffers from possibly the worst lazy, cockeyed, Shaq eye I have ever seen. However, since he’s 7’13” and tough as a piece of burnt steak, the only one who has ever mentioned it to him is the mirror. I know 14 is high on the list, but in reviewing his service to this country through various entertainment outlets, I feel justified in a ranking this high. His role as Zeus in the epic “No Holds Barred” opposite Hulk Hogan is nothing short of mesmerizing. In the Fifth Element, he played the president of the United States which I found a little less believable, but made me excited about the future of this great nation should it head down a similar path where a man like Tiny one day stands at the helm. And then, of course, there’s “Friday,” where he played Debo. Something tells me he didn’t need to do a lot of research for the role. But his line, “stop bein’ a bitch and c’mon,” will go down in history next to “Rosebud.”