The Night the Karate Kid Dissed Me and Then Did Right in the End

Daniel Larusso and I were supposed to have a dudes’ night out, just him and me.  And we got maybe an hour in before he bailed.

The plan was to meet at the Golf n’ Stuff family entertainment center at 8:30.  Just a couple of bros hitting the air hockey table, maybe the front nine of the miniature golf course.  Who knows, things get crazy, me and Danny-boy might even hit the waterslides a little later; I told him to bring his suit.

8:55 Daniel shows up (no swimming trunks). He said he was helping a friend out and lost track of the time.  I knew he was talking about that little old Chinese guy, but I don’t press the issue.

9:12 We’re finishing up a couple a slices, a couple a root beers, no big deal.  Daniel starts bragging on his air hockey skills.  “Is that a challenge?” I ask with a raised eyebrow, standing from my seat with my arms out at full wingspan.  “You want some of this, Larusso?”  Daniel looks around nervously and tells me to keep my voice down.

9:16 Butcher: 5, Laurusso: 1.  I’m like Ovechkin on the air hockey table.  Suddenly, I hear Daniel’s gay, Peter Cetera ring tone go off and he calls time out.  I’m like, “Time out?  This is air hockey.”  But he takes the call.  He’s doing a lot more listening than talking.  When he finally gets off, I ask, “Who was that?”

“Just a friend,” he says.

9:19 Game, set, match, bitch.  Butcher 11, Larusso 3.

9:20 We pass a photo booth.  “Hey, man, what do you say?  My treat?”  I say, gesturing towards the photo-op behind the curtain.  He gives me a look like, “are you for real?”  Oh, I’m for real, Karate Kid.  I’m so for real.

9:24 I bet Daniel that, in four turns, he can’t pull a plush M&M doll from the claw-crane machine.  He’s all, “you know I caught a fly with some chopsticks, right?”  and takes the bet.  “They’re having a beach party later tonight.  You wanna check it out,” I ask him.  He suddenly starts getting all squirrelly on me.  “I might have something else to do.”

9:26 Daniel hands me a yellow M&M doll and says, “You lose.”  But I just got a yellow plush M&M doll for fifty cents.  I’d say that’s a WIN if ever there was one.

9:28 So, I’m feeling like it’s time to get our putt-putt on.  But when I bring it up, Daniel-son says,  “I got this thing…”  What?  “Dude, this was supposed to be Bros’ Night Out.”  He corrects me, saying it’s called “Dudes’ night out.”  Fine.  “Bro, this was supposed to be Dude’s Night Out, now you’re dissing me?  It’s that Mr. Miyajji, isn’t it?”   “Miya-gi,” he says, “and maybe.  What’s it to you?”

Killin' the Skee Ball

9:34 Daniel and I hit the skee ball machine.  After about six games, neither of us talking to each other, Daniel says, “I might take off in a bit.”  “ I roll my eyes.  “Do you want my tickets,” he asks.  Of course I do.  Daniel walks away.

9:37 Lonely and tired, I do a lap around the arcade.  Then I realize, “what law says I can’t go on the water slide… by myself.”

9:39 I’m heading for the exit when I hear, “On second thought, how about those pictures.”

He left right after we took the photos.  It was the shortest Dudes’ Night Out on record.  But, as time passes, and that strip of photos becomes clearer than my memory, I think back fondly on that special night at Golf n’ Stuff.

Earl, with an L

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F*/Marry/Kill Starring: The Conners

RoseanneThe only rule is that you have to pick one of the immediate Conners women living in the house.   Saying “I’d F* Jackie” is out.  Every guy wants to tag Laurie Metcalf; that’s like saying I wanna bang Megan Fox.  Uh duh.  (F* Jackie… Baba booey).

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F*:

This might surprise you, but I’m going with Darlene.

Thanks for Keeping My Seat Warm, Old Man

So we’re hanging out, watching a Bulls game.  She’s draped in the crochet-throw from the back of the couch.  I get wood.  She then mentions that Derrick Rose can push the ball, but he’s got no jumper from the right of the key.  I lose wood.

“Do you want some,” she says, holding up the throw.  “Oh, I want some.  But I ain’t talking about a blanket…if you know what I mean,”  I say, then growl like a wild cat.  She rolls her eyes and stands up.  “Easy, Casanova. I was gonna give you some anyway.”

We tiptoe upstairs when another door opens.  Becky!  “Darlene, you have a boy here?  Oh my God, I’m telling mom.”  “Go ahead and tell mom,” Darlene barks back. Becky rolls her eyes.  “You shoulda stuck with David,” she says under her breath.

Minus a lecture on how my brand of Jimmyz aren’t bio-degradable, the sex is actually amazing.  She won’t do it with the lights on, but she’s real into trying whatever.  After we finish, she sparks up a j and asks if I want to “take a toke off of this refer.”

Turns out that wasn’t just bad writing; they actually talk like that in Lanford.

___________________________

Marry:

After taking the pot with Darlene, Roseanne makes me the best grilled cheese sandwich I’ve ever had.  I’m smitten.

Looks and Personality... Double Threat

The reception is down at the Elk’s Lodge.  The party only set me back 600 bucks since Roseanne got the Lanford Luncheonette to cater the whole thing.

The highlight of the night is me dancing with the bride’s sister (you haven’t lived until you’ve whispered into Laurie Metcalf’s ear, “God, you smell amazing”).

The first few months are filled with trips to Wal Mart and TJ Maxx; Always about making two ends meet.  Even with my high-paying blog writing job, there never seems to be enough.  But every day is still a Loggins-and-Messina-Danny’s-Song moment. Our love makes me the richest man in the world.

Then, the mistake of a lifetime.

I’m three hours in to an epic Conners poker game.  It’s me, Leon, Arnie and Mark.  I’m down big, six bucks, but I’m holding a straight. Arnie calls.  “I’ll see your 2.75, and I’ll raise you a buck.”  He knows I don’t have that kind of money.  “Then put up a night with Rosie…” A night with my wife?  The most indecent proposal… but I’m holding a straight.  Done.  I throw down.  So does he.  Full house, deuces over kings.

Roseanne doesn’t take the news well.  I get the boot.  Once in a while I bump into her at the Firehouse on Bingo Night, or at the dollar store on Rt. 7.  She has a look of scorn like you could never imagine.  On Valentines Day I sent her a mix CD.  16 tracks, all the same song… Danny’s Song.

I miss you, Big’ums.

___________________________

Kill:

Becky thought I forgot the little “you shoulda stuck with David” comment.  Now she’s gonna die.

lecyI know that she picks her loser husband up at work every night at seven.  So I hang out in the shadows of the garage, waiting for her pull up.   At five till, low and behold…

I lie in wait.  I can hear “Another Day in Paradise” blaring from her car before she shuts it off.  This bitch is going down.

Suddenly, I hear the garage door rolling down for the night. It’s Mark.  I jump from the shadows and tackle Becky.  “Shoulda stuck with David, huh?”

Then I feel a kick in the back that must’ve come from Thor himself. I look up; it’s Dan Conner. Damn, I forgot he worked here too. “This is for banging my daughter,” he says, then punches me so hard in my chest that my shoulders touch.

When I come to, I’m on a gurney, flooded in the lights of an ambulance.  I look around at what looks like the entire town of Lanford sans George Clooney.  Bonnie, Crystal and Nancy are consoling Becky.  Dan is giving his account of the story to Officer Harris (God, Jackie looks so hot in that uniform).

Look For Laurie in Next Month's Issue of Maxim

As they lift me into the ambulance I suddenly see Roseanne.  We lock eyes for a moment and I yell out, “Even though we ain’t got money, I’m so in love with you honey…”

The ambulance doors shut between us and the siren wails in the night.

True.

Before there was TMZ, there was Earl the Butcher, sifting through all of the celebrity gossip and urban wives thingies.  Here are ten of the top celebrity rumors I heard back in the day:

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Mike Deez Nutz

Mike D Died

I was in fifth grade when this one broke.  For those of you too young to remember the Beastie Boys back then, let me make this comparison: Hip Hop losing Mike D would be like if the ’99 Lakers lost Travis Knight.  It hit the community hard.  Of course, they revived him just before Paul’s Botique, thus, “I’m Mike D and I’m back from the dead.”

Rumor: TRUE

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ScreechMike D and Screech are Brothers

I was a little older when this one broke.  Mike D had died a few years back.  Then somebody finally made the connection:

Michael Diamond and Dustin Diamond are related. And it checks out.  Turns out they were the offspring of a couple named Neil and Blood.

Rumor: TRUE

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Another Rumor: Madonna Adopts Third World Baby and its Diet

Madonna Peed on her Athletes’ Foot

I didn’t want to believe this one when it surfaced; unfortunately it’s absolutely true.

In related news, I told my wife I had Athletes’ Chest.  Turns out she still doesn’t believe the rumor.

Rumor: TRUE

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Eddie MurphyEddie Murphy Picked Up a Man, Baby

Eddie Murphy, who dropped the word “faggot” a combined 54 times in Delirious and Raw, and did a whole set on how much pussy he gets, picked up a tranny prostitute?  No way.  Oh, yes way.  It happened.  Eddie pulled up the skirt and a different kind of “big brown shark came.”

Rumor: TRUE

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Richard Gere Stuck a Gerbil Up His Bunghole

Gere

Oh, totally true.  A friend of mine’s aunt is a nurse at the emergency room in Missouri where Cindy Crawford rushed him after it happened.  The gerbil was shaved bare, declawed, and nicknamed “an Officer.”

Rumor: TRUE

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Walt DisneyWalt Disney was Cryogenicaly Frozen

This one seems almost too mundane to even be a rumor.  He is indeed frozen in a chamber buried underneath Magic Kingdom.  The part that is in question is whether execs really woke him up for a screening of the rough cut of Tron.  I doubt it.

Rumor: TRUE

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Mikey Likes ItrMikey Likes It Blew His Stomach Out

Pop Rocks + Pepsi + an Almost-Was-But-Never-Will-Be talent = Exploded stomach ≠ False.

Rumor: TRUE

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MJEvery Michael Jackson Story You’ve Ever Heard

He sleeps in an hyperbaric chamber, speaks in a normal voice when no one is around, bought the Elephant Man’s skull, suffers from vitiligo and called it Splitsville once and for all with Macaulay Culkin  All true.  Every last one of them.

Rumor: TRUE

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Jamie Lee

Jamie Lee Curtis is a Hermaphrodite

JLC ’s got more junk in the front than she does in the trunk.  Freak.

Rumor: TRUE

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You Can't Reach What Isn't There

Marilyn Manson Removed a Rib So He Could Suck His Joint

Fo Shizzle: Marilyn did it.  The man underwent a 30k surgery so he could service his own iPud.  Who knew it was just a simple rib standing between me, third base and me?  Brutal.

Rumor: TRUE

Killer Stache

It just doesn't grow here and here...

"It Just Doesn't Grow Here and Here."

Mustaches aren’t like hair styles where there’s this unlimited number of them to choose from. There’s only like five of them out there. When Hitler went out and murdered 8 million people, he kinda reduced the options by like 20 percent. It was pretty cool when it was called the “abbreviated-stache.” Not so cool when it suddenly became “The Hitler.”

For men of my generation, you don’t miss what you’ve never had.  But for  those who were wearing it duringWWII?  The following is a brief conversation between one of those men and his peers.

Chaplain and his Boy
Charlie’s Boy Sits Him Down

One of his Boys: Dude, you gotta either grow it into a goatee or a full mustache, or you gotta shave it off all together.

Charlie Chaplin: Man, I’ve been rocking the abbreviated-stache since the 20’s, son.

One of his Boys, Doesn’t matter. You need to lose it.

Another One of his Boys: What about the fu manchu?

One of his Boys: Donnie, shut the fuck up.  Charlie, people are heil-ing you behind your back.    Believe me, you don’t need the aggravation.

Charlie Chaplin: But the Tramp…

One of his Boys: Trust us. Just lose it.

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It feels a little weird, but I'll get used to it.

Taking My Vitamins, Saying My Prayers on a Deserted Island

24-Inch Pythons

24-Inch Pythons

You know that question where people ask you if you had to be stranded on a deserted island, what would you bring with you? I’d bring Hulk Hogan.

Then we’d build a tropical wrestling ring where the ropes were made from vines and the turnbuckles from coconuts. And a lemur would hop into the ring just as I threw the Hulkster into a sleeper hold. And the lemur would hold Hogan’s arm up and let it drop… a sure sign that he was fading in my death-grip sleeper hold. But on the third and final time the lemur held up Hogan’s arm, it wouldn’t drop… it would start rocking up and down. And Hogan would break free. And I would try to punch him, but he’d block it and counter with a shot of his own that would send me to the sand. Then he’d cup his ear asking the fans to  let him hear it. But there aren’t any fans because we’re on a deserted island so Hogan would go off the vines and finish me off with a leg drop. And for years to come we would observe that day as Awesome Day.

So, You Want to be a Black Belt?

AFI recently named Karate Kid to its Top Ten Sports Movies of All Time. I love the movie too, but the journey to greatness has a few loopholes as loose as the brick on Ali’s front porch.

Tue, Nov. 1, 1983 Approx 10:15 a.m. Miyagi and Daniel Enter Cobra Kai Dojo

Bonzai, Bitches

Bonzai, Bitches

We know the night before was Halloween (or as the Cobra Kai boys will forever call it, Pearl Harbor 2). Bidding farewell that night, Daniel says “Tomorrow morning? “ Miyagi replies “10:00.” Cut to: Daniel Son: “Good morning, Mr. Miyagi.”

Yes, I know, you’re like, “But Daniel, why aren’t you in school? And Mr. Miyagi, why aren’t you fixing shit?”

Let’s say it takes them 15 min to get to the dojo. Again, don’t ask why there’s a full sparring session well in progress at 10:15 on a school day. Logic does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO SENSEI!

My point is Miyagi convinces Sensei John Creece to prohibit his students from beating Daniel up between now and the tournament, or for one month and sixteen days. Plenty of time for:

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Daniel To Achieve Black Belt Status In One Month, Two Weeks, and Two Days

Minus “Karate from book” and a few lessons at the Y, Daniel has no formal karate training. But over the course of the month and a half he:

– Waxes on and off four cars

You're a Pushy Little Bastard, Aren't Ya?

You're a Pushy Little Bastard, Aren't Ya?

– Paints a fence and a house
– Sands a floor
– And spends one ridiculous session at the beach playing in the ocean and staring in awe/lust at Miyagi’s crane-kicking silhouette.

All told, he really only spent four days training and achieved black belt status. He should be more than ready for:

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The 18th All Valley Karate Championships

Bangs are for the Weak

Bangs are for the Weak

December 19, 1983 is the date. For those of you keeping score, it was a Monday. Again, no school, no work for the sold-out crowd on hand at the Matadome. One quick fact about the Metadome:

It’s record attendance: 3, 106 to watch US/Japan international exhibition men’s volleyball match. It wouldn’t be the last time the US/Japan connection came through…Aye, Daniel-Son.

3,106 people show up to the junior co-ed district karate championships? The Montreal Expos pulled in 3,780 against the Rockies in May of ’02. Six hundred more people at a MLB game… right.

The rest, of course, is history. A montage set to Joe Esposito’s You’re the Best gets Daniel through five rounds. Another two, and he’s hoisting the trophy above his head.

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Do I suspend disbelief for the sake of a great movie? Yes. Are these moments the least believable in the movie? No.

But if you don’t buy in from the beginning, you’re only gonna feel Rick-Rolled in the end.

Catch Something Else With Chopstick

Catch Something Else With Chopstick

F*/Marry/Kill Starring the Golden Girls

in-the-kitchen

The only rule is that Dorothy and Ma come as a packaged deal; f*, marry or kill, doesn’t matter.  Them Petrillos are inseparable.

________________________

F*:
The safe bet here seems like Blanche, right?   I’m going with Rose.

It’s a late night.  Rose and I finish Bringing Up Baby on AMC (she likes romantic comedies; I’m trying to get in her pants).   She asks me if I’d like to go into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.  I tell her I’d rather go back to her room.  “Oh,” she says, and smiles coyly.

She says she’s going to freshen up and… slip into something a little more comfortable.  I get chub.

"You look amazing," Earl said

"You look amazing," Earl said

Suddenly she appears in the doorway wearing a nightgown that somehow reveals less than the jogging suit she changed out of.

craftmatic-bed

The sex is okay.  At one point, I accidentally roll on the remote for the  Craftmatic Bed.  The foot of the bed raises and messes up my rhythm.  She takes a long time, and I’m kind of chafed by the end of it.

We spend the rest of the night spooning.  As soon as she’s asleep, I roll out.  Let a butcher butch, y’all.

________________________

MARRY:
So I go with Blanche for this one rather than the f*.

The first three months go well… a lot of trips to AC Moore filled with laughter and a lot of early dinners (like a quarter-to-five-early).

But many nights I want to sleep while Blanche wants to “go out.”  My mind races as I lie awake, waiting for her to come home.  Oh, Blanche, don’t take your love to town.

miles

Silver Fox or Home Wrecker?

Then Miles Webster starts coming around again.  He’s Rose’s friend, but I know he nailed my wife.  A man can just sense these things.

One night, in the darkness of our room, I blurt out: “Who’s a better lay, me or Miles?”  She groans and says Big Daddy was right: never marry a Yankee.  That means Miles is.

The next few months are rocky.  Every once in a while it seems like things are getting better, but my insecurities haunt me and I end up saying something snide about my wife, the village bicycle.

The divorce is uneventful.  I didn’t bring anything into the relationship.   At one point I tried to make an argument for the wicker furniture in the living room, but I never got very far.

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KILL:
Damn it, there I go thinking with my small head again, and drafting poorly.

I should’ve took Rose.  Instead I gotta take out two of them.  One of them is practically a man.

roll-into-the-kitchenI hang out in the kitchen with the lights off.  Rose is in St. Olaf at a cow-themed wedding.  Blanche is out, probably with Miles.  Hours pass until I finally hear Dorothy talking to Ma.  Their voices become more audible as they get closer.  And then the kitchen door swings wide.

“Oh my God,” Dorothy exclaims.

We stare at one another before I lunge at her.  Despite her old age and sex, I struggle to wrestle her to the floor.  As we grapple, I realize that I am losing my footing.  She’s winning this thing.  I’m about to go to plan b when all of a sudden… BANG.  Sophia rocks me upside the head with a frying pan.  Rock a bye, baby.  I’m out cold.

________________________

CONCLUSION:
I’m on an ambulance stretcher outside the house.  Neighbors gather in the wee hours of the night to see what’s going on.  My eyes first focus on Dorothy, still visibly shaken and hugging her ex-husband, Stan Zbornak.  Sophia is next to her, quietly whispering, “it’s okay, pussycat.”

Paramedics start asking me questions.  Do you know where you are?  That sort of thing.

Earl the Butcher Was Here

THAT'S MY WIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

As they lift me into the back of the ambulance, I see a couple walking towards the scene.  Clutching hands, they jog as fast two old people can.

It’s Blanche and Miles.  She gasps when she recognizes me.

With two fingers, I point to my eyes before pointing back at her.

I’m watching you, Blanche.   I’m watching you like a hawk.