F*/Marry/Kill Starring: The Conners

RoseanneThe only rule is that you have to pick one of the immediate Conners women living in the house.   Saying “I’d F* Jackie” is out.  Every guy wants to tag Laurie Metcalf; that’s like saying I wanna bang Megan Fox.  Uh duh.  (F* Jackie… Baba booey).



This might surprise you, but I’m going with Darlene.

Thanks for Keeping My Seat Warm, Old Man

So we’re hanging out, watching a Bulls game.  She’s draped in the crochet-throw from the back of the couch.  I get wood.  She then mentions that Derrick Rose can push the ball, but he’s got no jumper from the right of the key.  I lose wood.

“Do you want some,” she says, holding up the throw.  “Oh, I want some.  But I ain’t talking about a blanket…if you know what I mean,”  I say, then growl like a wild cat.  She rolls her eyes and stands up.  “Easy, Casanova. I was gonna give you some anyway.”

We tiptoe upstairs when another door opens.  Becky!  “Darlene, you have a boy here?  Oh my God, I’m telling mom.”  “Go ahead and tell mom,” Darlene barks back. Becky rolls her eyes.  “You shoulda stuck with David,” she says under her breath.

Minus a lecture on how my brand of Jimmyz aren’t bio-degradable, the sex is actually amazing.  She won’t do it with the lights on, but she’s real into trying whatever.  After we finish, she sparks up a j and asks if I want to “take a toke off of this refer.”

Turns out that wasn’t just bad writing; they actually talk like that in Lanford.



After taking the pot with Darlene, Roseanne makes me the best grilled cheese sandwich I’ve ever had.  I’m smitten.

Looks and Personality... Double Threat

The reception is down at the Elk’s Lodge.  The party only set me back 600 bucks since Roseanne got the Lanford Luncheonette to cater the whole thing.

The highlight of the night is me dancing with the bride’s sister (you haven’t lived until you’ve whispered into Laurie Metcalf’s ear, “God, you smell amazing”).

The first few months are filled with trips to Wal Mart and TJ Maxx; Always about making two ends meet.  Even with my high-paying blog writing job, there never seems to be enough.  But every day is still a Loggins-and-Messina-Danny’s-Song moment. Our love makes me the richest man in the world.

Then, the mistake of a lifetime.

I’m three hours in to an epic Conners poker game.  It’s me, Leon, Arnie and Mark.  I’m down big, six bucks, but I’m holding a straight. Arnie calls.  “I’ll see your 2.75, and I’ll raise you a buck.”  He knows I don’t have that kind of money.  “Then put up a night with Rosie…” A night with my wife?  The most indecent proposal… but I’m holding a straight.  Done.  I throw down.  So does he.  Full house, deuces over kings.

Roseanne doesn’t take the news well.  I get the boot.  Once in a while I bump into her at the Firehouse on Bingo Night, or at the dollar store on Rt. 7.  She has a look of scorn like you could never imagine.  On Valentines Day I sent her a mix CD.  16 tracks, all the same song… Danny’s Song.

I miss you, Big’ums.



Becky thought I forgot the little “you shoulda stuck with David” comment.  Now she’s gonna die.

lecyI know that she picks her loser husband up at work every night at seven.  So I hang out in the shadows of the garage, waiting for her pull up.   At five till, low and behold…

I lie in wait.  I can hear “Another Day in Paradise” blaring from her car before she shuts it off.  This bitch is going down.

Suddenly, I hear the garage door rolling down for the night. It’s Mark.  I jump from the shadows and tackle Becky.  “Shoulda stuck with David, huh?”

Then I feel a kick in the back that must’ve come from Thor himself. I look up; it’s Dan Conner. Damn, I forgot he worked here too. “This is for banging my daughter,” he says, then punches me so hard in my chest that my shoulders touch.

When I come to, I’m on a gurney, flooded in the lights of an ambulance.  I look around at what looks like the entire town of Lanford sans George Clooney.  Bonnie, Crystal and Nancy are consoling Becky.  Dan is giving his account of the story to Officer Harris (God, Jackie looks so hot in that uniform).

Look For Laurie in Next Month's Issue of Maxim

As they lift me into the ambulance I suddenly see Roseanne.  We lock eyes for a moment and I yell out, “Even though we ain’t got money, I’m so in love with you honey…”

The ambulance doors shut between us and the siren wails in the night.


F*/Marry/Kill Starring the Golden Girls


The only rule is that Dorothy and Ma come as a packaged deal; f*, marry or kill, doesn’t matter.  Them Petrillos are inseparable.


The safe bet here seems like Blanche, right?   I’m going with Rose.

It’s a late night.  Rose and I finish Bringing Up Baby on AMC (she likes romantic comedies; I’m trying to get in her pants).   She asks me if I’d like to go into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.  I tell her I’d rather go back to her room.  “Oh,” she says, and smiles coyly.

She says she’s going to freshen up and… slip into something a little more comfortable.  I get chub.

"You look amazing," Earl said

"You look amazing," Earl said

Suddenly she appears in the doorway wearing a nightgown that somehow reveals less than the jogging suit she changed out of.


The sex is okay.  At one point, I accidentally roll on the remote for the  Craftmatic Bed.  The foot of the bed raises and messes up my rhythm.  She takes a long time, and I’m kind of chafed by the end of it.

We spend the rest of the night spooning.  As soon as she’s asleep, I roll out.  Let a butcher butch, y’all.


So I go with Blanche for this one rather than the f*.

The first three months go well… a lot of trips to AC Moore filled with laughter and a lot of early dinners (like a quarter-to-five-early).

But many nights I want to sleep while Blanche wants to “go out.”  My mind races as I lie awake, waiting for her to come home.  Oh, Blanche, don’t take your love to town.


Silver Fox or Home Wrecker?

Then Miles Webster starts coming around again.  He’s Rose’s friend, but I know he nailed my wife.  A man can just sense these things.

One night, in the darkness of our room, I blurt out: “Who’s a better lay, me or Miles?”  She groans and says Big Daddy was right: never marry a Yankee.  That means Miles is.

The next few months are rocky.  Every once in a while it seems like things are getting better, but my insecurities haunt me and I end up saying something snide about my wife, the village bicycle.

The divorce is uneventful.  I didn’t bring anything into the relationship.   At one point I tried to make an argument for the wicker furniture in the living room, but I never got very far.


Damn it, there I go thinking with my small head again, and drafting poorly.

I should’ve took Rose.  Instead I gotta take out two of them.  One of them is practically a man.

roll-into-the-kitchenI hang out in the kitchen with the lights off.  Rose is in St. Olaf at a cow-themed wedding.  Blanche is out, probably with Miles.  Hours pass until I finally hear Dorothy talking to Ma.  Their voices become more audible as they get closer.  And then the kitchen door swings wide.

“Oh my God,” Dorothy exclaims.

We stare at one another before I lunge at her.  Despite her old age and sex, I struggle to wrestle her to the floor.  As we grapple, I realize that I am losing my footing.  She’s winning this thing.  I’m about to go to plan b when all of a sudden… BANG.  Sophia rocks me upside the head with a frying pan.  Rock a bye, baby.  I’m out cold.


I’m on an ambulance stretcher outside the house.  Neighbors gather in the wee hours of the night to see what’s going on.  My eyes first focus on Dorothy, still visibly shaken and hugging her ex-husband, Stan Zbornak.  Sophia is next to her, quietly whispering, “it’s okay, pussycat.”

Paramedics start asking me questions.  Do you know where you are?  That sort of thing.

Earl the Butcher Was Here


As they lift me into the back of the ambulance, I see a couple walking towards the scene.  Clutching hands, they jog as fast two old people can.

It’s Blanche and Miles.  She gasps when she recognizes me.

With two fingers, I point to my eyes before pointing back at her.

I’m watching you, Blanche.   I’m watching you like a hawk.

Please Welcome, Robert Fagot

Balls.  That what’s this dude’s got.  Imagine going 26 years with that name and never changing it.

forget1It’s not like he didn’t have options.  He could have gone the Margot Kidder route and played the T silent.   Or French tennis star Guy Forget.  He played the g soft so his name was pronounced For-jay.

It’s also ironic that Robert Fagot works in gift sales because that’s probably the gayest job I’ve ever heard of.

Robert Fagot, you just made the Butcher’s Block.

90210: Brenda’s Back… Now, Let’s Find the Rest of the Gang

SO. Rumor has it that Shannen Doherty is “in talks” to reprise her role as Brenda Walsh. Not quite sure about the “in talks” part. I mean, last I checked, she isn’t in any of this summer’s blockbusters. They say she is reading the script to see exactly what role she would be playing. If that’s all it takes, I have some ideas on how to bring the whole gang back together.


After a short stint as a copy editor with the Washington Bureau of the New York Chronicle, he returned to his true love of politics. Running as a representative of Minnesota, it looked as if he’d win until… Chancellor Arnold leaked rumors of Brandon’s checkered past that includes a gambling addiction and a drunk driving accident. Brandon returns to the zip code to wait tables at the Peach Pit while he “gets his head straight.”

What to Look For: Lots of late night convos with Nat over coffee after the diner closes.


Her run at British theater was an epic failure. Returning to the states, she did the New York thing, landing two minor roles: One in a Crest Whitening Strips commercial, the other as “White Girl on Scooter” in the straight to DVD release of House Party 4. Things seemed to be taking a turn for the better when she booked the role of “Mirtha” in the feature film Blow. But when the script called for her to be nude, Brenda got all Brenda and huffed out. Now it’s back to 90210 to run the drama department.

What to Look For: Brenda adapting Gil Myers’ unpublished novel, Blood Money, into West Beverly’s spring production.


The retirement of Ms. Teasley left a gaping hole in the guidance department at West Beverly. Having overcome a shooting, a rape, a coke addiction, multiple burns in a fire at a rave in frat house, a lesbian experience, and amnesia, Kelly felt as though she would make the perfect replacement. In the pilot ep, trouble again arises when her little sister, Erin (now a high school junior), asks her to buy beer for a party she is throwing in Jackie’s house.

What To Look For: Kelly dropping the “don’t you know who I am?” bomb when bouncers at the Peach Pit After Hours reject her at the door in an effort to keep the joint young and hip.


Having blown through the Jack McKay fortune on various heroin and booze binges, Dylan spent the last two years in a tent on a beach in Baja firing a pistol at empty beer cans and listening to REM’s Everybody Hurts on a continuous loop. In one last attempt to get sober, he heads back to 90210 where he too takes a job waiting tables at the Peach Pit.

What to Look For: Lots of seemingly innocent, but nonetheless awkward high-fives between him and Brandon while working the dinner rush.


After her father’s death, Tori Spelling lost all connection to the TV biz. She not only is rejected for a reprise role as Donna Martin, but she also receives an email from Darren Star saying that if it weren’t for her father, the role of Donna would have gone to Alicia Silverstone.

What to Look For: Tori Spelling in porn.


After a failed run in the music business, he opened Silver Party Platter, a deejaying gig for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. But after complaints of the deejay “dancing too much” at the parties he was working, the business began to suffer. Now it’s time to put his go-for-broke plan into action: Find T-Boz from TLC and hand deliver his demo tape to her, which he says has a “crazy, sexy, cool, Waterfalls vibe” to it.

What to Look For: Silver mentoring the new West Beverly Radio on-air-talent.


His landmark video franchise Crazy College Co-Eds raked in millions. But when his father, Rush Sanders, passed away, Steve became overwrought with guilt. Knowing that his father would never approve of his financial endeavors, Steve is now about to pull a Warren Buffet, and donate all of his money to a good cause.

What to Look For: A handsome donation to the West Beverly Athletic Department… under one condition: They name the new football field “Steve Sanders Field House.”


Andrea died after a long bout with Alzheimer’s. She was 104 years of age. She is survived by her daughter, Hannah, and her ex-husband, ambulance chaser Jesse Vasquez.

What to Look For: A best-of episode where the gang sits under the Hollywood sign sharing their fondest memories of her.


And that’s it. You take my backstories, throw Lori Loughlin and Lucille from Arrested Development into the mix, and I don’t see how you can lose. The only problem might be finding storylines for the students of the “next generation.”

American Idol Finale, Kicked in the Groin. What’s the Difference?

There are only two things that could tear me away from my Grand Theft Auto 4 right now. Grand Theft Auto 5, and the American Idol Finale. I tune in an hour late so I can watch the DVR version with no commercials. Always thinking…

7:59 Oh boy. The two finalists face to face, dressed in white. Seems they’re going to try and ride this boxing theme out. (Side Note: Jim Lampley on AI last night… you broke my heart Jim. And lost all credibility in the boxing world).

8:01 Seacrest does the extended version of his tagline. “This is the American Idol Season Finale!” Thanks for the newsflash, you tool.

8:02 Rebbecca Donaldson is in the house! And a side note: putting Lori Loughlin on the new 90210… Stroke of genius.
8:04 Seacrest says 93 Million people voted. 93 million. In related news, four people will read my blog.

8:04 The two Davids. What’s the over/under on how many times they’re going to mention that both finalists’ names are David. I say eleven. Wait, what, it’s two hours? Okay, then 22.

8:05 Flash to Ruben Studdard in the crowd. He is actually sweating from just sitting there. In his purple suit, he looks Grimmace.

Please Celebrate this Hamburger

8:06 Top 12 come out and sing “Get Ready.” If this is a taste of what the AI Tour will look and sound like, put me down for a “no.” Michael Johns belts out a solo. He was actually the one I picked to win. Oh well.

9:08 Brook White sings a solo. Is it me, or does she look like one of those Mormon moms whose compound got raided? Just me?

9:11 Will this song never end?

9:13 It suddenly occurs to me, “I have DVR.” Hmm, what’s this button do… the one that says “FF”?

9:15 David and David go and visit Mike Myers dressed as his character from Guru Pitka. And now for a three minute commercial INSIDE the show.

9:18 Myers is also here at the theatre, which means the commercial is now verging on infomercial length. Seacrest gets on the remote control pillow from the movie. It almost goes off the edge of the stage with Seacrest on it. It’s actually a funny, genuine moment. Nice work.

9:18 and 20 seconds A technician and a PA are fired. Seacrest can be heard from backstage screaming, “You’re through! Finished! You’ll never work in this town again!”

Seal9:20 Syesha and Seal sing a duet together. That can’t be good for Seal’s self esteem. Then again, his last hit was Kiss From a Rose. You think in hindsight he ever regrets mangling his face? I bet he does.

9:24 Seal’s integrity is found beaten and left for dead outside of the Nokia Theatre.

9:27 One last campy Ford commercial. All twelve finalists star in it. Nothing sells a car like failure. Except for Michael Johns… that guy could sell ice to an Eskimo.

9:28 Ford gives the Davids each Escape Hybrids. I remember when I was little I would say, “I want to be a famous rock star one day and I’ll buy a big house and drive a Ford.”

9:29 The Girls sing “Works Hard For the Money”… Amanda Overmyer looks about as thrilled to be there as I am watching it.

9:30 Wait, now they’re plugging a new zombie movie? This is shameless to have an actor in zombie makeup come – wait, no, that’s Donna Summers. Nothing says “rock and roll” like helping an old lady down the steps.She Works Hard for the Make-Up

9:34 The girls sing back up for Donna Summers. Savor it, ladies. Most of you will be waiting tables in a bar and grille three months from now. Except little Ramiele. I see a bright future for her in porn.

9:38 Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sing the Letter. This is for making me love you, Michael Johns… Fast forward.

9:40 Is there a gig Jimmy Kimmel won’t do? He comes out roasting Sanjaya. Oooh. Now that’s ballsy.

Karaoke Kid9:43 The guys (minus Archie and Cook) come out and sing “The Best Days of My Life.” Unless there’s some huge Karate-Kid-Look-Alike-Contest sometime in the very near future, David Hernandez has a bleak existence ahead of him.

9:44 And then the finalists come down. It’s like two parents coming downstairs and busting their kids misbehaving. The smiles go away, they scurry off to the side of the stage, and the rejects are quickly reminded why they were voted off.

9:45 Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Bryan Adams! American Idol delivers on the promise that they will have the biggest names in show biz. PLEASE sing the theme to Robin Hood, Prince of Theives. I beg you. Seeing him surrounded by the top 12 is just a sad commentary. They perform “I Need Somebody Like You.” Applause. Bo Bice approves… from the back of the theatre.

9:52 ZZ Top and David Cook sing Sharp Dressed Man. ZZ Top on Idol is like putting Daniel Day Lewis in a college film. ZZ Top doesn’t even get to sing? All the time they put in at seedy roadhouse bars and this is how they are rewarded. By some 25-year-old punk singing one of their songs. On a bright note, my youtube video should get some hits.

10:05 Seacrest says the next band needs no introduction but they clearly do because I have no idea who they are. They have the energy of a 90-year-old man on heroin. If they move any slower they’d be playing this song backwards.

10:08 A montage of the worst auditions from the beginning of the season. Always a way to shoe horn that footage in.

10:09 Renaldo Lapuze… one of the worst from the montage is joined by the USC marching band. And then my DVR went into that whacky fast forward mode again.

10:14 David Archuletta joins somebody named One Republic. I have no idea who this guy is and to be honest, I really don’t give a shit. I’m losing interest in this finale real quickly. The song is called “It’s Too Late to Apologize.” I wonder if the producers of the show wrote this smash.

10:17 The biggest party in Sat Lake City…. How lame. A stadium filled with David Archuletta fans. They interview both of Archie’s grandfathers. That concept looked great on paper. The one guy doesn’t even speak English.

10:19 Jordin Sparks comes out, one year older, one year heavier. She sings and I get down on my knees and pray the following prayer: Lord, thank You for DVR and all of its fast forwarding capabilities. Amen.

10:24 Gladys Knight and the Pips. It’s old vintage footage of.. oh wait, the pips are Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. Okay, I get jokes. What I don’t get is why Iron Man is there. He’s not funny, is he? Except for the time he wound up in a stranger’s bed because he was so high on drugs that he thought he was home. Heh, drug addicts are funny.

10:26 this bit is still going on. Ms. Butcher lets me know that the winner is on CNN.com. I should just go there, but I’m a glutton for the pain.

I see London, I see France, I see Kerry\'s Underwood10:32 I see London, I see France, I see Carrie’s Underwood. Carrie Underwood comes out wearing a skirt that ends just slightly above her pubes. What happened to my wholesome Carrie Underwood? This is the “record sales are dropping” skirt. If memory serves me, this is the last year she’s under the American Idol contract. Next year, Ryan Seacrest will be like, and now, a performance by… Kelly Pickler.

What time is it? Who cares? The girls sing Faith and I imagine George Michael will be out soon. If he’s the grand finale to this circus of a television show, I will never forgive AI. The boys sing Father Figure.

10:45 They all get together and sing some bullshit I’ve never heard of. Where is George Michael? Come out already.

10:49 Here comes George Michael. I knew it. He’s like 72 years old. He’s trying to sing passionately about something. George Michael is the ultimate publicist’s project. “George, this whole jerking off in the public bathroom thing… it’s gonna blow over. You hang low for a while, and five years from now, you’re gonna be closing American Idol. Not just on it. Hell, Bryan Adams can get on it. You’re gonna close it.” George Michael.

10:51 It’s time for the closing remarks before they announce the winner. Paula: Blah Blah Blah… you’re both winners, its not a finale, it’s the beginning, blah blah blah. Simon: I may have been too harsh last night, blah blah, blah. Then some guy brings the envelop out like it was in a safe and the safety of the free world depended on the secrecy of this. Like every producer, exec, and Seacrest and the judges don’t know the winner. Hell, the two Davids probably know already.

And why are they dressed the same? Like little twins. It’s almost as if Archuletta likes being dressed up like a little David Cook. Well, Davids, what ever happened, no matter who wins, I want you to know that I think you’re both tools.

10:54 By 12 million votes, David Cook wins. Ugh. He is so smug and lame and balding with a second chin.

10:55 My DVR cuts out. It stopped recording three minutes before the show ended. And I don’t even care. I feel ripped off. This was supposed to be Michael Johns’ year.