It’s “Dan” Now

President Franklin Roosevelt declared December 7, 1941 “a date that will live in infamy.”

In my own life, I’ve made similar declarations.

4/27/90: The day my brother and I were expelled from Jhoon-Rhee “nobody bothers me” Karate (Sensei, you still owe us May’s tution, BTW).

12/24/02: The day I found out WWF wrestling was fake.

And now, 7/16/09: The night I learned Danny Pintauro is gay.

DannyPintauro101I was searching FM stations, just 2 or 3 seconds each to hear what’s on.  As I flipped to one of them, I heard: “August 10, meet gay actor Danny Pintauro at Barnes and Noble in Centerville…”

Danny Pintauro, gay? I took a deep breath and said, “Impossible.  Look, you’re almost home.  Then we’ll jump on the world wide web and get to the bottom of this. “

And so I did, starting with:

http://www.google.com I type in “Danny Pintauro Straight.” Did you mean Danny Pintauro is so Gay?” So I click on the first web result.

Danny-pintauro-com.  Hells yes.  Take me to the e-promise land.  Except when I click on it, I get an IP address, and a message saying the site is under “system maintenance.”  Probably because he’s nailing some chick.

Next stop:

Wikipedia.org. I’m getting wiki with it.  Let’s see, “came to prominence on Who’s the Boss…” you go, boy.  Wait, what’s this? Under personal life: “The National Enquirer… intended to out him.”  Out him?  Well, that’s vague.

If you want the truth, you need to hit up the gospel of entertainment facts…

With Ben Seaver

Danny’s IMDB page.  I start looking at the credits.  Hmmm, speaking on gaping holes, what was he doing between the end of WTB in ’92 and the Still Life in ’07.   Let’s see, credits include WTB, Cujo, and Highway to Heaven.  Ain’t nothing gay with that (well, except the episode title of H2H was “Man’s Best Friend.”).

Let’s check out the bio link.  Oh, he’s an Eagle Scout.   I’d rather tie a square knot than a balloon knot.   What else is – oh, what’s this?  A man charged with writing harassing letters to Danny committed suicide in 1990 (for the record, I didn’t commit suicide).  So, the guy’s a bit of a dick magnet.  Doesn’t mean he’s…

Enjoys watching old reruns of Who’s the Boss.  For him, he says, it’s like looking through a yearbook. Okay, that’s kinda gay.

Came out as gay in July 1997.  Oof.

Dejected, I hit the back button on my browser, clicked another link, found a very NOT-WORK-FRIENDLY picture of little Jonathan Bowers (I don’t have the “balls” to link to it in this post, but a simple google image search will put you on the path not taken), and ended up in the shower, feeling like bugs were crawling on me as the theme song to the Crying Game played in my head…

July 17, 2009.  A date that will live infamy.