Taking My Vitamins, Saying My Prayers on a Deserted Island

24-Inch Pythons

24-Inch Pythons

You know that question where people ask you if you had to be stranded on a deserted island, what would you bring with you? I’d bring Hulk Hogan.

Then we’d build a tropical wrestling ring where the ropes were made from vines and the turnbuckles from coconuts. And a lemur would hop into the ring just as I threw the Hulkster into a sleeper hold. And the lemur would hold Hogan’s arm up and let it drop… a sure sign that he was fading in my death-grip sleeper hold. But on the third and final time the lemur held up Hogan’s arm, it wouldn’t drop… it would start rocking up and down. And Hogan would break free. And I would try to punch him, but he’d block it and counter with a shot of his own that would send me to the sand. Then he’d cup his ear asking the fans to ┬álet him hear it. But there aren’t any fans because we’re on a deserted island so Hogan would go off the vines and finish me off with a leg drop. And for years to come we would observe that day as Awesome Day.

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Awesomest Men: #14-10

14. Mike Tyson

Okay, let’s play 20,000 Dollar Pyramid.

Me: Um, tattooing your face…um…

You: Things that would hurt…things that make you unemployable ?

Me: Noooo..Knocking out a 61-year-old man in a car accident that was your fault…um…

You: Things that…things a superhero would do?

Me: Close. Praising Allah on national television – right after you threatened to eat your opponent’s children…Having one of the baddest knock-out reels the world has ever seen…

You: Things that are awesome?

Me: YEESSSS!!!

By the way, at 1:56 in the vid, that’s a guy who had no business fighting Mike Tyson. 20/20 hindsight…

13. Elvis Presley

Died on the toilet.

Checkmate.

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12. Hulk Hogan

When I was ten years old, I wrote a letter to Hulk Hogan asking if he would be my dad. Nothing personal to my biological father; but I know my dad… if push came to shove, he couldn’t step into the steel cage with the likes of a King Kong Bundy. 24-inch pythons, yellow skippies with matching knee-high boots (the Hulkster, not my dad), and when he cupped his ear asking the 93k screaming fans of the Pontiac Silverdome if he should drop Andre the Giant, I lost my mind.

When he’d ask, whatchya gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you… was there really any answer to that other than “lose?”

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11. Scott Baio

In the time it takes me to write this entry, Scott Baio will have banged four supermodels. Guys who don’t get laid a lot will say it’s quality not quantity. Guys who bang a bunch of pigs will say its quantity, not quality. And then Scott Baio says , “I banged your mom.” He could count the number of women he’s bagged on two hands, if he had a thousand fingers on each. His resume includes Heather Locklear, Nicole Sheridan, Nicole Eggert, Denise Richards, Liza Minelli (still better than your worst), Melissa Gilbert, and Beverly D’Angelo. Baio once got a call from the Playboy Mansion telling him that he needed to slow down (translation: “you accidentally nailed one of Heff’s girls…again”).

In all, he destroyed some 24 playmates.

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10. 50 Cent

I’ve been on Fiddy’s jock ever since Coca-Cola bought his portion of Vitamin Water for 100 million dollars. He’s a rapper with his own video game, a new movie opposite both De Niro and Pacino, a book called “The Ski Mask Way” (which I have yet to read but assume is not about the slopes of Aspen), and a sneaker deal from Reebok to sell his trifling G-Unit shoes. He’s what we call a renaissance thug. But what makes 50 Cent the real deal is the fact that he was shot nine times in the backseat of car, dusted himself off, and came out with “In Da Club,” the most listened-to song in radio history.