It’s “Dan” Now

President Franklin Roosevelt declared December 7, 1941 “a date that will live in infamy.”

In my own life, I’ve made similar declarations.

4/27/90: The day my brother and I were expelled from Jhoon-Rhee “nobody bothers me” Karate (Sensei, you still owe us May’s tution, BTW).

12/24/02: The day I found out WWF wrestling was fake.

And now, 7/16/09: The night I learned Danny Pintauro is gay.

DannyPintauro101I was searching FM stations, just 2 or 3 seconds each to hear what’s on.  As I flipped to one of them, I heard: “August 10, meet gay actor Danny Pintauro at Barnes and Noble in Centerville…”

Danny Pintauro, gay? I took a deep breath and said, “Impossible.  Look, you’re almost home.  Then we’ll jump on the world wide web and get to the bottom of this. “

And so I did, starting with:

http://www.google.com I type in “Danny Pintauro Straight.” Did you mean Danny Pintauro is so Gay?” So I click on the first web result.

Danny-pintauro-com.  Hells yes.  Take me to the e-promise land.  Except when I click on it, I get an IP address, and a message saying the site is under “system maintenance.”  Probably because he’s nailing some chick.

Next stop:

Wikipedia.org. I’m getting wiki with it.  Let’s see, “came to prominence on Who’s the Boss…” you go, boy.  Wait, what’s this? Under personal life: “The National Enquirer… intended to out him.”  Out him?  Well, that’s vague.

If you want the truth, you need to hit up the gospel of entertainment facts…

With Ben Seaver

Danny’s IMDB page.  I start looking at the credits.  Hmmm, speaking on gaping holes, what was he doing between the end of WTB in ’92 and the Still Life in ’07.   Let’s see, credits include WTB, Cujo, and Highway to Heaven.  Ain’t nothing gay with that (well, except the episode title of H2H was “Man’s Best Friend.”).

Let’s check out the bio link.  Oh, he’s an Eagle Scout.   I’d rather tie a square knot than a balloon knot.   What else is – oh, what’s this?  A man charged with writing harassing letters to Danny committed suicide in 1990 (for the record, I didn’t commit suicide).  So, the guy’s a bit of a dick magnet.  Doesn’t mean he’s…

Enjoys watching old reruns of Who’s the Boss.  For him, he says, it’s like looking through a yearbook. Okay, that’s kinda gay.

Came out as gay in July 1997.  Oof.

Dejected, I hit the back button on my browser, clicked another link, found a very NOT-WORK-FRIENDLY picture of little Jonathan Bowers (I don’t have the “balls” to link to it in this post, but a simple google image search will put you on the path not taken), and ended up in the shower, feeling like bugs were crawling on me as the theme song to the Crying Game played in my head…

July 17, 2009.  A date that will live infamy.

Awesomest Men: #29-25

29. John Wayne

He’s the Duke, for crying out loud. He was born Marion Robert Morrison. But, as do many men of awesomeness, he dropped the lame part of his name (all of it) and came up with the rugged two first names as one whole name. And from Stagecoach to the Searchers to the Green Berets, the only other actor that could ever hold his own opposite the Duke was a rifle. Check out any of his 170 movies on cable and they all start with the warning: “The following movie contains scenes of an awesome nature. Viewer discretion is advised.”

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28. Wu-Tang Clan

I have this reoccurring nightmare where I’m walking out of a club at like three in the morning. And I have to walk through this old parking lot surrounded by barbed wire. And as I come up on my car, I see that the entire Wu-Tang Clan is sitting on my hood, smoking a blunt. And it’s weird because, even in my dream, I know ODB is dead, but nevertheless, there he is with Raekwon, and Meth, and Tony Stark… and I just keep on walking, never to see my car again. I don’t know if it’s the scary-as-shit interludes they have on their albums where they’re selling crack and shooting people, or if it’s a song like Bring Da Rukus, but I’ll tell you this: Wu-Tang Clan, they really ain’t Nuthing Ta F’wit.

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27. William Shatner

Captain, I know I’m breaking rank by saying this, but I love you. In a time when the country was divided by race, Bill Shatner was a catalyst in the Civil Rights Movement by showing everyone it was okay to a bang a green woman. Rarely does a pioneer make such a statement then return to the public eye by achieving another great feat. So, how then, do you explain T.J. Hooker? I can’t. But I can say this: to the comedians on Comedy Central who roasted Bill, saying that he is no longer relevant, you wanna make jokes about priceline.com and Tahiti Village? Maybe you’ll find this zinger funny too: Captain, set your phaser to awesome and blast these fools.

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26. Bea Authur

First off, name another pimp that could live in a house with three hotties in the golden years of their lives and keep his cool. Bea Authur did it week in and week out. And while Rose and Blanche (and even Ma from time to time) always had dates coming and going through the house all the time, Bea was always the constant gentlemen, keeping his affairs private. You never saw him with a woman, but didn’t you just assume he was crushing it every time the girls left the house? I did.

Pimps up, hoes down, Bea… pimps up, hoes down.

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25.Tony Danza

The show was called Who’s the Boss, but from the moment the trade papers announced that Tony Danza was going to play the lead, there really was no question. In fact, they should of called that show Who’s Not the Boss (The Judith Light Story). Tony Danza makes this list for one reason and one reason only: I have the utmost, awesomest respect for any actor so bad that no matter what role he plays, the character has to have the same name as the actor or else he’ll never get his lines straight. Here’s a snippet from the table reading of Taxi:

Producer: The role of Tony Banta will be played by Tony Danza.

– Here’s a snippet from the table reading of Who’s the Boss:

Producer: The role of Tony Micelli will be played by Tony Danza.

– Here’s a snippet from the table reading of Hudson Street:

Producer: The role of Tony Canetti will be played by Tony Danza.

– Here’s a snippet from the table reading of The Tony Danza Show:

Producer: The role of Chucky DiMeo will be played by Tony Danza.

Tony Danza: Oh-a, a-oh, I was thinking maybe we’d call this guy Tony DiMeo instead.

Producer: You’re the boss.